So since my last update 3 years ago, the detox from back then sorta kinda worked. I caved about 3 weeks in... but I did lose 10 lbs for about a month afterward.
As for now, I'm back at the 135ish lbs but I would like to really get back on the ball again. I see a coworker of mine working out 5 times a week since New Years and she's lost at least 15lbs. My boyfriend who lives out of town noticed a huge difference in her- everyone does! She's an inspiration! But for me, it's not the weight anymore. Its the fact that I'm wearing a size 10 and its tight. And needlessly said, it makes me feel bad.
I watched Sex and the City (the first movie) not too long ago and there's a scene where Samantha is shamed about the emotional weight she's gaining and how a tiny, tiny little gut is showing when she visits her friends. This wasn't the first time I saw this movie... but in this particular instance it kind of got to me on two different levels.
1: I wish I had friends who would pull me aside and tell me when I'm looking bad weight-size! Not in a harsh way, of course, but just like, "maybe we should start going to the gym together", etc.
2: What a bad way to treat body image. As soon as NOTHING of a gut shows... "you need to lose weight!"
Either way, I'm well aware of how those two points contradict each other, but there is some truth and valid reasoning behind both. Its all valid in degrees.
Anyway, I've decided to try a new approach and begin blogging again about my weight issues-- and maybe more importantly, SIZE issues. I think I need a revamped perspective on why I think I should lose weight, how I need to lose weight, and why "weight" is a bad term in this entire thing.
[I recently watched a very inspirational video on the dangers of Fat Talk and this falls right into this entire blog~!]
But yes, healthier goals are my new inspiration and I'm vowing to stick to them, one day at a time. Breaking this all down to more manageable goals will help me think and feel better and really change my life!
Goal #1: Become a comfortable, slightly loose size 10 in 3 months.
This is a biggie. I have tons of beautiful clothes that I would love to wear if they weren't so snug! I bought them at various stages... when I was a size 10, when a size 10 wasn't that snug on me, when the item was beautiful and I couldn't pass it up so lemme squeeze into it... I hate this feeling. I want to wear what I own and not just resort to the things in my closet that hide my gut! Plus, it's even just a shopping convenience. Size 10 is still relatively easy to find in stores-- size 12 in stores is definitely not guaranteed.
Goal #2: Stop feeling bad about everything I eat!
Huuuugggeeeeee issue. Everytime I eat something, I can never fully enjoy what it is I consume for fear about the food and fear about what it's going to do to me, even if I know I should enjoy it. Putting aside portion control (I admit I really haven't ever had issues of stuffing myself beyond food coma)-- 75% of anytime I eat, I feel bad about what I'm eating. I'm never comfortable eating, even though the food might be good. I want to be able to enjoy food again and not have to ALWAYS berate myself about it!
Goal #3: Stop putting myself and my body down at every opportunity.
Body image issues... everywhere I turn! I need to look at those negative influences and shrug my shoulders and remind myself that I don't look bad and am working on looking better. Having the reminder that I'M WORKING ON IT has helped in the past... seeing a cute 2-piece bathing suit and nodding my head and saying, "I'm not there yet, but I will be"-- ah, I like that feeling. Its not self defeating and its empowering: I can't have it yet, but I'm on my way. This also includes joining with others who talk about their flaws and their issues with their own weight. It's so easy to fall into that trap and I need to put my foot down and recognize when I'm falling into those bad habits again.
LONG TERM GOAL: Become a comfortable, slightly loose size 8 in 6 months and feel happier in my own skin!
Speaks for itself! My issue with myself lies in not being able to wear what I want to wear-- especially being the street fashion enthusiast I am! The images of beautiful models on runways or in magazine ads don't bother me-- not even the revealing clothing they wear. It's that I would have a problem finding that item in my size and have it look good on me. I don't get envious of them, want to become them, none of that. I just want to be able to find it for myself and for me!
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